Ketchup

 Today, 

just now,

my five year old told me something about eating ketchup.

But I didn't really hear it...

and so when I said, "What"?

She said...  

"That's ok.  It's not really that important anyway."

I want to share with you my heart.

The greatest struggle that I carry with me

day to day

year to year

and even now,

is the overwhelming desire

to be a mommy.

I am a mother.

I have five amazing, precious, crazy, wonderful people

all of my very own.

And I love them so much it hurts.

But I also have bills, 

and a husband who works too hard,

and a degree,

and the remnants of a career,

and potential....

to contribute to this family in a tangible (financial) way.

Every morning, at 10A.M.

we get a text notification from the bank.

It tells us our savings, checking and Christmas Club balances.

And every morning, at 10A.M.

I am overwhelmed 

with how little we have to show

 for the 70 hours of work each week

my husband does.

I am not complaining.

We are blessed... beyond imagination.

But we are partners,

and my partner is gone 14 hours a day.

While I am here,

cleaning, cooking, teaching

and cutting hot dogs into crescent shapes

just for the sheer delight of her wide eyes

and the pride she finds in a mommy who can make food shapes.

I watch Zumba on YouTube,

and I put everything on the bottom step because I get tired climbing up the stairs all day.

I do laundry that piles up downstairs until someone becomes desperate enough to go get it.

I stand in front of the freezer

repeatedly

all day

and finally choose something to feed this family.

I even sew Easter hats, teach algebra and clean toilets.

But it is my husband who gets up everyday before the sun 

and goes out in the world to make the money.

And I can't seem to escape that fact.

I want to contribute.

But I also want to be kindergarten room mother.

I want to ease his burden.

But I also want to kiss her boo-boos 

and read her li-berry books.

I want to be his partner in every way.

But I also want to be a mommy.

Because I have older children,

and I have witnessed how incredibly FAST the time goes...

and I have witnessed how little they remember some things, 

but cherish forever some other things...

and I realize after the moment passes, 

that they have stopped crawling into my lap or talking to me about whatever...

that I don't want to miss a single moment.

I want to hear all about ketchup.

And so the dilemma continues.

The Fort.

I will have to think about it

while I make pb&j sandwiches...

I've been invited to eat in the fort!!!!

 

Do you ever feel this way?

(Love) always protects, always trusts, 

always hopes, always perseveres. 

1 Corinthians 13:7